Blogpost 1: What dictates love?

What do we first look for in a mate? As a girl, I first look at his style and the way he brings himself. I look at his clothes, shoes... Then to more personal things like his eyes, smile, height and build. It seems shallow but actually it is normal for us to look at these things if we're looking for possible mates. We first look at their status through material things and then their exterior genes because of our desires and needs. After this attraction is made, the next step is trying to build a connection. From these steps however, the most difficult is trying to retain both the attraction and the connection.  

In this article by Dr. David S. Kantra, Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love clearly states that love has 3 components that must be satisfied to fully attain the lasting love. The 3 components are: intimacy, passion and commitment. These 3 can be mixed up into different combinations which have certain results on the type of love it creates. The combinations are: Nonlove, Liking, Infatuation, Empty Love, Romantic Love, Compassionate Love, Fatuous Love and Consummate Love. 

The first of the parts mentioned is Liking; the plain intimacy which is the desire or need for another. Just like friendship, it requires the trust and closeness to be fulfilled. Another is the Infatuation or the passion; intense as it is, it is still only short lived; a temporary intense feeling of being carried away by the sexual desires. Empty love on the other hand is the death of intimacy and passion, much more common in older relationships because they have a tendency to "fall out of love" but still, they stay together. 

Others have related their ideas to Sternberg's theory and according to the article that Kendra Cherry wrote in Compassion and Passionate Love, compassion is similar to intimacy which is the need for a type of friendship with trust, closeness and a liking. On the other hand, passion; just like Sternberg's theory, it is the sexual desires towards a person. She also mentions that there are factors that influence these; Timing, Early Attachment Styles and Similarity. I would like to give importance to the factor of similarity because it is the main cause for lusting love or the beginning of every love. The similarity is the attraction to good looking people or people that we might think mirrors us. Most loves, I noticed have similarities in that they always tend to begin and focus on intimacy and passion. However, in the article it stated: 

"Passionate love may quick to fade, but compassionate love endures". 

If you notice, without combinations, even if attraction and intimacy are there, it still seems as if there is something missing. They are without the complexity love actually needs. On the other hand, the next 3 are the start of the combinations which gives a more specific definition of a certain type of love.

One of these is called the Romantic Love. This is made by intimacy and passion, the romantic love has a potential to become the most enduring love if it continued on and is able to build the commitment it needs. Another is

Fatuous Love. This love includes no intimacy and relies only on passion and commitment. This is common with relationships who only look for "nice" people even without their desires for one another. They only push for a relationship because they want to be in love. Usually happens if both couples are still new to love, naive and are not sure of what they really want in a person. Last of the combinations of two is the Companionate Love. This lacks passion but is similar to romantic love in the case that it has the capability to become long lasting. However, this is more of a friendship love commitment, and it might seem as if the people in these types of relationships are just afraid of being alone. But above all this, The ideal love or Consummate Love is rarest of all and is the most enduring and the most perfect. Sternberg presents this to have all 3 components of the theory.  This includes the intimacy, passion and commitment that all couples try to achieve.

Many people, usually the more experienced already have a definite idea of what love is and how it should be. I read a quote by Sylvester Stallone, 

"I learned the real meaning of love.  Love is absolute loyalty.  People fade, looks fade, but loyalty never fades.  You can depend so much on certain people, you can set your watch by them.  And that’s love, even if it doesn’t seem very exciting." 

From this, I understand that our appearance of course changes as we grow older. We won't be as beautiful or as handsome after our prime years but the values and morals we have as individuals will still always be there. It also changes, but it improves because as we grow older, we grow wiser.

We should keep this in mind; the way to have an ever lasting love with someone is having commitment. Not only pure commitment but also realizing that looks fade and to be able to accept that that is inevitable. 

Even if we have already accepted that looks fade, it still does not change the fact that the first step of love will still always be the desire and lust. It is already evident to us that we first have to attract a mate before the steps of love even begin. This is exactly the reason why we, especially women give such significance to being beautiful. Beauty with no exact definition, we rely merely on the quote "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder". We try to attract those we want and those who might want us.